A rant of how I want 2011 to play out
First of all, I want all these fucking websites to quit urging me to “Be sure to Like us on Facebook!” because you know what, that’s fucking retarded. I’m not even on Facebook. The thing that really bothers me about this is that it comes across as some sort of begging for social status. Here’s a hint, if you have some decent content people will fucking like you and share the content. Tell you what, I’ll “like” you on Facebook if you’ll “like” me punching you in the genitals. I’m not going to follow you on Twitter, either.
Next, quit using the word “nom.” Are you a fucking toddler? “Nom burrito nom.” “Cupcakes, nom!” “Nom nom noodles nom.” “Nom fucked a dog nom nom.” Fuck you, I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich that you can nom the night away with. Yes, I get it, you gaze upon the world with child-like wonder and every food experience you have is divine. Now grow the fuck up.
If you’re going to open some sort of hair salon please be more creative in naming it than using a play on the words “scissors” or “cut.” That means no “Shear Madness” or “Sling Blades” or “Sheary Disposition” or “Mow-Down Mops” or “Chop Shop” or any other foolishness. We all know that you use scissors to cut hair, it’s what is called a “given.” Instead of focusing on the verb you should focus on the noun. “Excellent Head” or “Coconut Teaser” or “Pate Person” are all appropriate examples.
Hats are awesome and I have many of them. Mine, though, are *real* hats, made of animal fur and with actual brims. Stop going to Walgreen’s and picking up these cheap, stingy-brim abominations made of polyester or paper. They are not cool, they just make you look like a dick who doesn’t own a mirror. I realize that everybody has their own sense of style and I’m not trying to hate on that, hell, lots of people probably think that I look like a dick when I wear my hats. I’ll be wearing my hats for decades, though, while these stupid plastic things will merely be a tragedy of the decade, kind of like parachute pants of the 80s. If you want to wear a hat, think “style” and not “fashion” because style is forever but fashion is fickle and fleeting.
Speaking of fashion, pull your fucking pants up. This bullshit of wearing pants cinched around the knees has got to go. We all have asses and we don’t want to see yours. Seriously, I don’t like to sit in any sort of communal seating these days (bus, movie theater, etc.) because I know that oftentimes the only thing separating the previous person’s ass from the chair was a thin, sweaty layer of cotton. If that shit was made illegal it would be really easy to round everybody up since they wouldn’t be able to run away from the cops chasing them. You know where this fashion came from? Prison. If you want to look like a prisoner we should be able to treat you like a prisoner: regular beatings, ass-rapings, and forcing you to give blowjobs to our friends for two cigarettes.
I guess the last thing that has been bothering me is the word “douchebag.” Not the word itself but how everybody and their douchebag grandmother uses it these days. There are many fine epithets out there if people would take the time to learn them. “Cum-guzzling dungeon whore” “Urine-soaked Dodo bird” “diseased knob of a leper’s son” and “scruffy-looking Nerf herder” are all far better than the over-used and abused “douchebag.”
Have a great new year, hopefully 2011 will be better than the dick smack that 2010 was.
